Imagine sitting in your house. Everything is so calm in there. Nothing unknown. Everything is familiar. You go to the stove to start dinner. You are going to make your award winning stew tonight. The family loves that. You start pulling out all the ingredients when all of a sudden you find you are missing an ingredient. This is an important ingredient so you will have to run to the store and pick it up. You go to the front door and open it. It's such a beautiful day out. Then all of a sudden fear grabs you by the throat. You can't breathe. There is something out there, unseen, unknown, that is going to hurt you. You slam the door shut.

This is what an agoraphobic goes through. The fear of wide open spaces. The fear of unknown places. The fear of leaving your home...your comfort zone.

Not all agoraphobics are locked inside their homes. Some, like me, can leave on occasion. But we still have our comfort zones. For me, I can leave my house and usually get to my car without any real problem. A slight fear may kick in, but after dealing with this problem for years I can beat that slight fear. On bad days it's a little more difficult, but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. I leave my house approximately 1 day a week. If I am up to it. If, when I open that door, things don't start spinning on me. 

An agoraphobics home can be their haven or their prison. Depending on the person and how they approach their "problem". I view my home as both. I feel safe here, for the most part. Hate when the phone rings  or there is a knock at my door. It means strangers are trying to invade my safe zone. I loathe having strangers in my home. But, because I have growing children, I have to put that feeling aside and do the best I can. There are more days, for me, where my home is my haven. I feel safe here. Nothing on the outside can see or touch me. I don't know what is outside that would hurt me, I just know it's there. Waiting for me around the corner. Hiding and smiling that evil smile waiting for me to open that door and venture out so it can leap out at me and grab me. Then there are the days where being stuck in this place drives me absolutely insane. I envy my husband who can walk out the door without a problem. I envy my children who can't wait to get outside into the fresh air. I envy everyone I see walking around. Why can't I do that? Why is it that I'm so afraid of something that really isn't out there? There are no answers to these questions. Therapists and psychiatrists may think they have the answers, but for the past 15 years, I have yet to find one that really does. All they hand you is a bunch of mumbo jumbo that makes no sense. And for the agoraphobic this just makes matters worse. We don't understand why we can't leave the house. We don't understand why we fear the outside. We don't understand why life is being so cruel to us. Or is it?

I've met many people with agoraphobia via the internet...my only link to the outside world. Because of, or in spite of our fears, we seem to get through life. We seem to be able to reach deep within ourselves and find the strength to go on. And we have a deeper appreciation for what life does hand to us, be it good or bad. We don't take much for granted. The everyday "normal" person seems to take so much for granted. Like being able to walk out into the world with no worries or cares. Those people just don't understand the gift they have. We do. 

My agoraphobia began shortly after my first panic attack. It seemed that when I would leave the house, I would have an attack. So, I stayed home. I certainly didn't want to faint again. My first panic attack was a big one. It caused me to faint, hitting my head on the hard floor and splitting my head open. Luckily I was at the hospital at the time anyway, but I felt so embarrassed when I realized I had fainted. I thought at the time it was just all the stress I was under going through a really nasty divorce and that it would pass once everything was over with. Well...15 years later...I still have the attacks and it developed into much more than panic. But I deal with it.

Sometimes the agoraphobia makes me feel so low that I wish I could just crawl under the covers and disappear. My children want to go and do things. I can't. They don't understand and how do I explain it to them? Sometimes it's really difficult. I try, but the words just don't come out. Now I use my standard..."We'll see". Which usually means, "I seriously doubt it." 

When I was younger I used to dream of being a mom and being able to be a "room mom" for my children's classes, like my mom was. That never happened. I can't even volunteer to go in and read a book. I can make all the cupcakes and cookies they want, but actually going in, in front of all those faces....not going to happen. If it wasn't for the internet, I'd probably be sitting in a padded room somewhere. The internet and the people I meet on here make my life bearable. But I still wish I could go out any time I wanted. I still wish I could hold down a job. And I still wish I could have a "girls night out".

I can't leave my house without someone with me. I never go anywhere alone. NEVER. I need someone with me. Someone to protect me. Someone to get my mind of the panic attacks so I can go out. I'm never alone when I venture out. That's the life of an agoraphobic.

Below you will find some links to different articles and sites on Agoraphobia. There is help out there, you just have to find it. For me, I've excepted. I do have good days. It's the bad that gets me. If you know of a site that isn't listed here, please email me and let me know. I'll be happy to add it.

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