Bipolar
Out of all
the problems I have, this has to be the most life threatening and worse one. It
causes me a great deal of mental pain. It causes turmoil in my life that is hard
to deal with at times. And because of it, I've come very close to loosing what I
have worked so hard to achieve...love in my life.
Bipolar is a
brain disorder that causes severe changes in a persons moods. It's said to be
caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and is supposed to be genetically
transferred. But it is highly treatable and most bipolar's are able to lead
normal lives...well, close to the "norm". Bipolar causes severe mood
changes that are characterized as "episodes". These episodes are the
highs and lows...mania and depression.
Some of the
symptoms include:
Mania
Increased
energy
A feeling of a euphoric mood...like you are invincible
Racing thoughts
Talking fast
Increased sex drive
Poor judgment
Spending sprees
Little to no sleep needed
Depression
Feelings of
hopelessness
No energy or desire to do anything
Sleeping to much or not enough
Thoughts of suicide or actually attempting it
Change in appetite
There are two
different types of bipolar:
Bipolar I
- This is the classic form which can include severe episodes.
Bipolar II - This form includes much milder episodes.
However, if a
person has 4 or more episodes in a year, they are considered rapid cycling. I am
a rapid cycling Bipolar I. I have attempted suicide twice. Came very very close
the first time I attempted it. And that was after a severe mania episode. I had
climbed very high and fell like a brick.
Bipolar is
not an easy thing to live with, but it's just as hard on the people that live
with the bipolar. My husband has been especially good at figuring out just when
to slow me down and just when to step in and light the candle for me to find the
way out of the deep dark hell I can fall into.
Bipolar
causes me to have feelings I shouldn't have. I am constantly feeling very
unloved, even though I know I'm not. I can be a very difficult person to live
with at times too. Thinking doesn't come easy for me. I can jump from one
thought to the next in a matter of seconds. I can also jump from one mood to the
next just as quick. Remembering things can be even worse at times. My kids find
it funny when I am trying to think of one of their names and I end up saying
"the little boy" or "the tall boy". My favorite saying has
become "What's your name kid, don't lie to me because I live here too and I
will find out." I've called them by every other child's name but their own.
I've even been known to call them by the pets names. They are also telling me
things that go out of my head just as soon as they tell it to me, so they are
constantly repeating themselves. And the mania can drive them nuts just as bad.
I will wake up with a ton of energy and the need to clean. Of course I have to
recruit their help also, because I think that because I have all this energy so
do they. Needless to say they don't want to do that. :)
I can handle
the mania. The family, for the most part, can handle the mania. But when I'm
depressed...that's totally different. I shut the entire family off. I don't want
to do anything. I feel like I should be dead because I feel like no one loves me
or wants me around. I feel like I'm a burden on everyone. I get very annoyed at
anyone that even walks into the same room I'm in. I just want to be alone...but
at the same time, I hate being alone. I explained my depression one time to a
therapist as "being alone in a house full of people". That is what it
is like. At least for me. I could have a hundred people around me, and I still
feel very alone. Very unloved. Very unwanted. I feel like I'm not good enough
for anyone or anything. I constantly think about nothing. Depression is the
worse feeling in the world. Especially for me.
Even though
bipolar is suppose to be a treatable disease, I have yet to find the right
medication. I've suffered with this disease for the past 15 years. It has
disabled me and I can no longer work. I haven't been able to handle the stress
of working, the family, the house, and everyday normal life since 1996. This in
itself is depressing. I want so much to be able to go out and work. But I know
that I can't. And not just because of the bipolar. But because of the panic
disorder, the agoraphobia and the social phobia.
Below are a
few sites with more information. If you think you have bipolar or think a loved
one may have it, please seek help. For most people, this is a very treatable
disease.
Back
to the top
| NIMH
- National
Institute of Mental Health/Bipolar Disorder |
DBSA
- Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance |
| Bipolar
World - There
is a wealth of information on Bipolar here. |
Samaritans
- If you are
feeling suicidal you can email this organization. |
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